How do you tell your new gf that you’re tg? November 12, 2010

I seem to have found myself suddenly going out with a girl.

This in itself is not a problem. I like girls. Girls are nice. However at the time we got together she didn’t have the foggiest idea about who I was deep down.

I recently met this girl in church (yes, I appreciate how strange that may sound coming from a self-confessed tg bondage kitten but I shall save that discussion for another day) and we started hanging out. We had a lot of shared interest, although I’m fairly confident that I at least have some interest that she perhaps does not share. I started hanging out at her flat and cooked her a few meals, afterwards curling up on her couch and watching some films by one of my favourite Japanese directors, Hayao Miyazaki, who she also loves.

Anyway, one thing led to another and we kissed.

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of this. Like I said, I like girls. But could she like me if she knew me? Should I tell her or should I try and hide those things?

I’m generally an open and honest person. In face, if I was not back living in the town where I’d grown up I’d probably be more open about my alternative interests. When I lived in Japan all my closest friends knew I was TG and thats the way I liked it. However, being back home and around parents and old friends things were never so easy.

I found myself wondering if I should ignore this girl or not return her calls so that we would actually go out and I could carry on as before. The only problem is I found it was me who was texting her and popping over. I knew however that we could not go out unless I told her who I really was.

Now I said she was a Christian, but like me I think she’s at a point where we figure there is a God probably, and people in church are nice, but the two facts might not neccesarily be related. I guess you could say we’re both pretty liberal about our faiths. I figured that I would start small and work up. If I scared her off before I told her I was TG so be it.

Perhaps a little forwardly then, one of the first question I asked her when we were out on a romantic moonlit walk by the river was her thoughts on sex before marriage. Most of our Christian friends shun the idea of sex before marriage but I’ve always thought sex should be fun and if you save it for the person you’re meant to settle down with for life then you’re not getting the most out of what is surly a God-given gift? She revealed that she had in fact had sex – although it was before she became a Christian, but seemed quite happy with my idea that sex should be enjoyed. She felt it should be more savoured as a special occasion then a casual occourence which I could agree with.

With a sigh of relief I said that was one down – implying that there was more to follow. I quickly explained that I like her – I thought she was great – however I wasn’t sure if we’d known each other long enough to be really going out and didn’t want to rush into anything before she knew some things about me. If she didn’t like what she heard I was prepared to cut my losses and run, but there was no way I was going to hide too many secrets. That kind of approach has ways of coming back to bite you.

So I pressed on. If she wasn’t phased by the fact I’d had sex she might not be worried that I was effectively bi. I told her I didn’t believe in sexuality and had been with guys. She actually thought this was cute and asked if I’d had a boy friend! I think my ideas about gender and sexuality being social constructs appeal to many people so I was able to expand on this by telling her I didn’t believe gender was fixed either and this, of course, resulted in me revealing that I was transgender.

Again she took it well. As I look back now, I can’t for the life of me remember what she said exactly, so relieved was I that she didn’t reject me. She certainly wasn’t “yay my boyfriend is tg” but she did like the idea that we could now share clothes.

It’s still early days. I don’t want to make out that it’s all done and dusted and she’s accepted me with no qualms. We’ve still not know each other long and although I’ve told her I’m tg she’s no idea what I look like as a girl so the next step perhaps is to show her a photo and ideally some time soon have her over to my place to see me dressed in the flesh.

But it’s a good start. The beginning of the relationship is certainly the best place to mention the fact that you’re tg if you get half an oppertunity. So yeah, watch this space I guess.

TV Chix Top Babe List August 31, 2010

The TV Chix top Babe list is a fascinating social barometer, and it is interesting to see its impact on the Chix online community through the amount of forum posts seemingly complaining about its existence. There are few people, if any, who will defend the list -especially if they themselves are not listed- but for those who do find themselves part of its hallowed algorithms the Top Babes list takes on a new light.

It is undeniable that the list is a popularity contest, although the prettiest girl is not always as high as the one who knows the most people, flirts with the most admirers or whores for the most votes. At the end of the day the top girl is the one with the highest cumulative votes, not the best average so as long as you can get 5000 5/10 votes you will be higher then a person who only got 1000 9/10’s. As flawed as the list is however, I would be a liar if I did not say I checked it regularly to see if I have made the grade or deliberately chose provocative pictures that I knew would be more likely to entice people to vote.

Now I am finally in the top 25 (and may I add without whoring in the slightest!) I feel that I can make a few….’observations’ shall we say, without coming across too bitter and twisted.

The most amusing thing I find is some of the blatant vote whoring that goes on. I must admit I was actually disappointed that I could not find more of it amongst the current crop of ‘Babes’ but there were one or two gems!

“New pics. Hope you like them and you still rate my pics and go up the the Top Babe list again. Thanks XXXXX”

This one was bad enough but I actually found one girl who had a running update on her progress up and down the charts on her profile gushing as she reached the dizzying heights of #4. You know who you are! It’s all in good fun though, and I think I should again mention at this point (in case she never talks to me again) that I am mearly making observation and not passing judgement).

As I’m obviously testing a few friendships how could I not highlight this glorious quote by another girl I admire,

“Back on the top girls list all of a sudden. That was a surprise. Maybe I could increase votes-per-day by promising people they get to cum on/in/near me if they just take the time to click on 10.
People seem to like it when I talk about cum.”

Now we’re getting to the lowest form of bribery and wanton cock-teasery! But as I said, we all wish we were number one and are just jealous that we did not think of their subtle tactics first. Some try to disguise this by means of subtlety, “I update my pics quite often …so please vote on them.” Well how could we not given the effort?!

Points for subtlety are also given for this fine effort

“I think I look good and I am not worried about Votes on this site at all,if you want to rate my zero go ahead because BOTHERED NOT!!!!!!!!!”

Surly however if you do not care you wouldn’t mention it? In fairness this quote comes from the very last line of the profile but I am sure there was some calculation here considered when posting. Just mentioning the Top Babes list is enough to raise your chances of being scored or receiving a contribution to your total.

I could go on, but I won’t, however I did enjoy going through the list and checking out the competition. Not that I care a sot about the Top Babes list but if you have been intrigued by this article and *really* want to vote on my pictures and boots me further up the chart I suppose you can find my profile here.

All the best, I’m off to bed!

Night night,

Aimee

Transgendering for Dummies: The difference between cd, tv et al and why it doesn’t really matter July 21, 2010

Yesterday one of my Facebook friends asked the question ‘What are the differences between drag, crossdressers, transsexuals, transvestite, tranny, T-girl etc etc….I never understand…..:(‘. I answered back, a little too quickly perhaps, that I didn’t feel it really mattered especially as whatever definition I gave someone else would disagree with. Rather glibly I said that it was best not to bother too much about this kind of thing and, while this is true, I do not feel it was a very good answer.

Anyone who has spoken to me on this topic, or read parts of my blog closely will know that I normally go out of my way to avoid rigid definitions and pigeon holing. The problem with this approach is that all too often I am essentially saying absolutely nothing.

Whether I acknowledge them or not however these definitions do exist. Although I might not think categories important other people do and inn this post I hope to present a brief description of how I think these terms are understood within a UK social consciousness before explaining why I believe it is important to move on past these understandings.

As a trained anthropologist, I’m aware that my worldview differs to that of others and, even though I have limited myself to examining gender in my own culture there will be people who disagree with my ideas.  I invite all comments on this article but ask people to bear in mind that that I am not attempting to be prescriptive in my definitions nor pigeon hole people. I am simply expressing existing categories as I understand them.

Transgender

I general refer to myself as a t-girl or say that I am transgender or tg. This term appeals to me as I feel it says everything and nothing at one time. It is broad without being specific and at the same time shows my distinction from being male or female. Trans is generally understood to mean between the accepted genders of male and female but could also be understood as transcending the genders or rising above them. I am reluctant to mention this view too often as I feel it seems pretentious but it may be helpful to some people.

I previously stated I try and avoid defining myself so why then would I describe myself as transgender? I feel it important to do this outwardly at least as it allows people to find their own way to react to me. If I told someone I was male they might think I was just dressing for fun. If I told someone I was female they might think I was  a bit confused. The term Transgender confuses many people as it is a new term to many people with the more common name outside the scene being Tranny. I am not overly fond of this phrase as I will explain and so the more people use the term transgender in the public eye the better. I feel it is a term that covers the whole spectrum of t-related issues and is the most inoffensive and least definitive option.

Tranny

In most definitions of popular culture, a male who dresses as a female is a Tranny, while this word sounds as if it is short for something for most people it is not. Tranny does not distinguish between a person who dresses casually and a transsexual and to most British people I feel they are seen as one and the same thing. Trannies in popular culture are normally seen as a figure of fun. While some television programmes are starting to deal with transgenderism in a sensitive way the majority of people will be familiar with trannies as comedy motifs. The protagonist of a comedy will go to bed with a gorgeous woman and find out that she is in fact a man! (or at the very least has a penis). They are a guilty taboo, sleeping with a ladyboy when on holiday with the lads in Thailand is a guilty mistake never to be mentioned. Even finding someone attractive before finding out they’re a tranny is a threat to masculinity.

This is how I understand the term tranny and is the association I believe exists in popular culture (please tell me if you disagree) however some people have less problems with the term.  Sparkle’s beauty pageant is known as ‘Tranny of the Year’ and as far as I’m aware it is not buying into this stereotype. Perhaps it is brave to claim an offensive term as your own, much as the term ‘gay’ was embraced by the homosexual community, or perhaps for some people it does not bother them. At the end of the day it is only a word and words only have power if you care to give it to them.

Drag

Of all the terms associated with the transgender scene, drag is probably the most removed. Some would argue that it does not belong with the others and perhaps it does not. Certainly from within the tg scene, and what I understand of the drag scene they are seen as very different. A drag artist is a male who presents themselves using over the top motifs of femininity while at the same time being seen as a male. Big hair, big make up, outfits designed to make a big impression. Few, if any, drag queens identify themselves as being female, they dress for the fun of it, not to pass, in the stylised manner of a drag queen not as a woman. Women who look like drag queens rarely exist, at least not deliberately.

Cross Dresser and Transvestite

This is probably the most controversial section I have to deal with and I fully expect people to have different views. To mainstream society Cross dresser (cd) and transvestite (tv) mean pretty much the same as ‘tranny’ but are less used. To some transsexuals perhaps this is the same?  Neither are words I would apply to myself but perhaps they are the most likely way I am seen by others.

One of the most frustrating things about the terms cd and tv are that they mean exactly the same thing. Transvestite just being French for a person who crosses clothes, however on the scene there is perhaps a distinction.

It is not something I witnessed in chat rooms, and rarely at tg events such as Sparkle or BNO, but there is a cadre of people who, while happy being male, enjoy dressing as females. They might not try to pass, they might not wear make-up, they might not wear a bra, they might not wear a wig. Perhaps they do none or all of these things. For some cd and tv are synonymous, but for others a cross dresser is simply a man dressing as a woman who is happy being a man dresses as a woman. I apologise if that is a confusing way to express it, but certainly in my understanding a cross dresser is happy being seen as a man but enjoys wearing woman’s clothes. A transvestite on the other hand does not see themselves in this way.

For a cross-dresser the aim is not to pass, they do not wish to be accepted as a woman and are happy being seen as a man. For them it is only about the clothes. While transvestite means essentially the same thing, they care more about passability. They are more likely to identify themselves as a female, or at the very least not a male and wish to be treated within the remits of female gender relations. A cd is happy to be refered to as ‘him’ as tv is not.

As stated this is an imperfect definition and I fully expect, and indeed invite, people to disagree with me. However I hope that for some people this distinction might be helpful. While I do not generally identify myself as a tv (preferring the less definite tg distinction) I feel that many people would view me as such. I am essentially a male who wishes to be seen as a female.

Transexual

This is our final area to look at and is no less controversial as the previous topics. There is perhaps a hierarchy of transgenderism or a progression. People begin by dressing in the clothes alone (cd) and some might hope to pass (tv) those who take it past this stage may call themselves transsexuals or ts. Whether there is a stage after this one is up for debate.

Some people may define themselves as transsexual if they feel that they identify themselves as female and nothing more, however the social majority would perhaps see a transsexual as more than that.

Generally a transsexual has decided, at least on a mental level, to transition, to begin the process of changing their outward gender and inward sex to the opposite of that which they were born. (This article is aimed towards male to female transition m2f, parts possibly apply to f2m but this is not an area I know as well.)

It is possible to take the COGNITI test and be told you are a transsexual at any point, however for most people they become a transsexual when they begin their transition either by seeing a doctor, starting to take hormones or resolving to live as a female full time. It is possible to be a casual cross dresser. Casual transsexuals do not exist.

Transsexuals come in all shapes and sizes. Some are seen by society as strange men with breasts, others as manly woman and some are not noticed at all. It is the goal of all transsexuals to be accepted as woman as far as possible.

Conclusion

As stated at the start this is not meant to be a definitive classification of the transgender spectrum. I believe it is wrong to attempt to define people and to tell them what they are or are not. The motivation was to share my understanding of the so called ‘common-sense’ understanding of tg themes as I see them existing within the UK scene and wider society. More than anything this article is meant to provoke discussion and I hope that people will respond and that in the future I will have the opportunity to clear up and classify.

These definition are not meant to be definitive and it is my honest feeling that they are unimportant. If you are transgender you are you and the path you walk is your own. Others may have taken similar routes but their answer is not yours and only you can find that. While other people may try and define you this is not something you need to do yourself. Simply be honest with yourself and open with your friends and loved ones and you will get where you are going.

Appendix

A quick reference for those who can’t be bothered reading the article. Please bear in mind these are my ideas only and are open for debate.

• Drag – A drag Queen (or King) or a drag artist is a person who provides a stylised impression of the opposite gender. They generally dress for comedic or show purposes and do not see themselves normally as being different to their accepted gender.
• Cross Dresser (CD) – A person (normally a male) who dresses in clothes of the opposite sex more for fun or comfort then for any other reasons. They may not wish to be seen as the opposite sex, they may be happy being seen as a male who dresses as a female.
• Transvestite (TV) – Very similar to the above, a tv is generally a male who dresses as a female and aims to pass or be accepted as a woman. They do not wish to be seen as being male, at least while they are dressed. They are not on hormones.
• Transexual (TS) –  A transsexual is someone who has at least made a mental commitment to transition that is to change gender. Normally they will be living full time in the gender they feel they identify as and will be on hormones. They may have had full SRS (sexal reassignment surgery). Whether they are now a post-op ts or a woman is a debate for another time.
• Transgender (tg) – A catch all term for the above (with the possible expectation of drag). Transgender is a looser definition and is less prescriptive. It is not seen as being offensive.
• Tranny – A catch all term used by society in generally. It can be applied to all of the above. It can sometimes be seen as offensive.

Aimee Piper

I have been aware of my trans-tendencies since a young age, while I am not sure yet where I am going and what I want to be or be seen as I find trans-issues fascinating. I have a degree in Anthropology and while this certainly does not make me an expert it has given me some insight into how some concepts are cultural constructs as opposed to rigid facts. I believe gender is one of these.

Disclaimer

This essay is intended as a draft. I wrote it in an hour based on ideas I have had floating around in my head for some time. The ideas are my own and I understand that some people might disagree strongly with my views. I invite all courteous comments.